Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Before and After

I've been moving on, which often means re-reading old writing, sorting it with the new, making a whole out of all the parts. Sometimes it's rather discouraging! Much of my old writing, I am, honestly, not proud of. Shall I show you? I'd like to hear your take on it. Here are two of the same segments, the original piece, and the new and improved one.

The Original grammar left as is...

“Elena! Elena! Wake up!” An elderly fairy with soft, silvery white hair and clear gray eyes, bent over the dreaming younger fairy, shaking her gently.
“Mother.” Elena smiled up at her mother.
She stepped lightly from her bed of soft crimson rose petals. Her bed seemed to float on a wide daisy. She gazed round her at the world. It was all she’d ever known; this meadow of sweet scented blooms.
“Mother,” she repeated, “Thank you for waking me so early.”
She kissed her mother sweetly on her fair, pink cheek, and flew quickly to the ground.


Years Later... that is, the newer piece of writing

Morning had lifted the golden sun high in the sky, where its golden rays dispersed the last feeble light of the moon and scattered yellow brightness over the blue vault. Beneath its glorious awakening, the meadows of Fleure glittered with lingering dew, sending sparks of moisture, laughing, into the air. A slight breeze sent the heads of the flowers dancing like bright headed children, and the faerie folk of Fleure began to wake.

The sun bent her golden head over a young faerie girl whose own bright head reflected the sun’s beauty. There was a voice murmuring in the morning air. The sleeper’s name seemed to drift towards her with the breeze. “Elina. Elina.”
Someone was bending over her, someone whose own face showed the mirror of the girl’s, someone, a woman, the queen of faeries and the lady of Fleure, Lilac Elinora Innis.

She stood over her daughter, her stately shoulders bent in weariness. Queen’s shoulders they were, bent with weight, yet firm beneath it, and a thin gold band lay nestled in the soft drifts of misty brown hair piled upon her head. Her eyes were a clear gray, like an unbroken dawn, with soft little glints of blue that flew in them. But their sparkle burned dimly, masked by the white paleness of her countenance.
Elina lifted her head, brushing her yellow hair away from her eyes.
“Good morning, Mother.”

“Did you sleep well darling?” Her voice was soft, but strong; strong with a gentle strength.

The new one goes for much longer, as I enlarged upon the plot quite a bit, but this gives you an idea of what I do all day. :)

Emma

P.S. Erghh... the new one's a trifle old as well, and I honestly don't like it! *growls petulantly*

3 comments:

Julia Marie said...

I think you've done an amazing job working more character into your writing! I do find the second one slightly wordy, but I love the way you created more of an atmosphere that the reader can picture. Rewriting can be very frustrating, I know…try not to get discouraged! :)

Julia

trent13 said...

haha! boy can I relate to looking back on writing and saying, "what was I thinking? That's awful" Have you ever been embarassed just reading some of your old stuff?

On your work - I agree with the above comment about it being too wordy. Perhaps pick adjectives that are more precise, that really encapsulate what you are trying to convey? Other than that, it was very pretty - almost too pretty - lots of fluff and colors, but I'm definitely seeing your vision of faerie land.

For you and myself I say keep at it! One of these days we'll write something we will think is worth publishing.

Eleree said...

Oh! Thanks! This is exactly what I wanted, some honest, down to earth critique. Thank you! I know what you mean about being flowery and fluffy. Trust me, it's hard to describe life in Fleure without being so. But I will try to improve it.

Have you read some of my earlier posts? Like "Introducing Ision"? Is it any better? It's newer, so an improved version of my writing. Let me know!

Emma